he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
