You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
