my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
