i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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