okay pat passed out under dana's car
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
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... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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