i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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