next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
