im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
