Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
