everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
