they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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