last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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