I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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