He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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