Why is your signature on my underwear?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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