You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I deserve this hangover.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
