Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat