also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.