shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.