goodnight i made you a song goodbye
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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