I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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