now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
