Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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