so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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