if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
