i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
