Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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