matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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