There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
