I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
