i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
