how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize