Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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