Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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