i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
