True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
