I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
