The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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