you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
