Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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