Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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