my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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