Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
