i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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