I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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