i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
