i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
