Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
