My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
