why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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