We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
