i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
