The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
