apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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