Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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