found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
